2016 has been a bitch. Seriously, between celebrities... big celebrities... passing away; ridiculous reality celebrities hanging on like a hacking, nagging cough; politics... don't go there... ugh; and personal losses that still sting, 2016 cannot end soon enough. Normally, I don't do anything special. I just hang with the nerdlings and maybe watch the ball drop... because that's something the littlest nerdlings love to see... it's usually a super quiet passing.
Yeah, I typically face the dark rabbit hole that is depression beginning around the eldest nerdling's birthday in November and lasting through but ending around (if I'm lucky) the end of March, around the baby nerdling's birthday. But this year has been so toxic, so miserable... so incredibly wretched that I actually had words blocking other words. What the ever loving hell is that about? Character's were silenced by the words of my depression. Words that I wanted to write were stopped by words I finally realized I NEEDED to write. So, I will share them here. No, I don't expect your sorrow, your commiseration, or even a comment... sure you can share your feelings, but this is my personal way to expunge the gunk blocking my happy place and my writing. Whether you agree, disagree, share the same feelings, or even think I've gone around the twist... that's yours to live with. I sincerely hope that no one feels this way, either in whole or in part, but I'm not so naive as to believe that I, alone, face depression at this point in 2016.
I’m tired…
I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of being part of a world that makes being unique a bad thing. I’m tired of seeing people being hurt or killed in the name of “war”, “social justice”, and “freedom of rights”. All lives matter regardless of skin color, religious beliefs, or political beliefs. I’m tired of the sniping, griping, and back stabbing. I’m tired of the entitled being so damn prickly that common sense and realism have all but evaporated.
I’m tired of trying with everything I have to remain positive while being buried alive under a constant barrage of pure, unadulterated negativity. The lack of respect, compassion, and common decency from children, adults, strangers, keyboard jockey, and “friends”, it’s soul-crushing to witness. I’m tired of being expected to remain wholly unaffected and positive in the face of so much hated and venom.
I am so tired…
I’m tired of politicians promising one thing then doing the opposite. I’m tired of the lack of justice in so many cases. I’m tired of the government as we know it. The bullshit is deep and the whole mess needs to be eliminated in one fell swoop that would require a complete reboot and reformation of the system. It’s broken beyond repair and it’s time to toss it for a new, properly working model.
I’m tired of fighting against a machine that no longer gives a damn about the people it’s supposed to be working for. I’m tired of teachers being forced to shove bullshit at their students and having to teach to test. I’m tired of a system that is bound and determined to make every student stupid and focuses on quantity rather than quality. I’m tired of trying to teach my children that quality is infinitely better than quantity and that that doing their absolute best at everything is more important than being another drone. I’m tired of getting “that look” when I firmly state that I’m not going to bend to Common Core, I’m not going to let my children take the easy route in life – that they must earn what they want and get, and I’m going to celebrate every single moment in which they put the bullshit system to shame. I’m tired of the “standard” that each student is compared to and the labels that are assigned to those who are not that standard. There are square pegs, round pegs, and triangle pegs… they don’t all fit in that damned round hole and no amount of hammering will make them fit… EVER!
God, I’m tired…
I’m tired of being ignored and dismissed. Sure, I don’t work nine to five but I work… hard. Kids aren’t easy. Kids aren’t cheap. Kids need attention, love, food, clothes… all that makes them grow into healthy, common sense wielding adults with sharp minds and distinct goals. I’m a taxi driver, cook, maid, laundress, alarm clock when theirs fail, nag, nurse, and chief hugger. I work. I’m tired of never having enough to cover the needs of this family. Food… that comes at the end of the bills… if there is money for it. I’m the CFO of the family as well. Budgets are evil bastards made demonic by no raise… not even cost of living… for ten solid years.
I’m tired of not having enough of me to do the things that need to be done. I’m tired of never having enough time or energy to do the rest. I work… I write. Writing is hard too. It’s not flowers, music, and unicorns delivering elegant words that make the reader swoon. It’s research… lots and lots of research. It’s having sources to make sure you get the tough stuff right. It’s hours and hours of getting to know characters so that they’ll share the story they hold. It’s editing… so many hours of editing… creating book covers, creating teasers, making sure you don’t forget anyone who helped you, formatting, copyrights, and red tape. All this done before, during, and after my “job” of ‘MOM’. I work forty-eight hours a day – seven days a week, if not more.
Good Lord, I’m so tired…
I’m tired of being sad, aching, and depressed. I’m tired of being miserable in my exhaustion. I’m tired of knowing that we had our “break” and he pissed it away cheating on me rather than chatting with me. It’s been a long, slow decline that has resulted in my complete and horrifyingly deep resentment over the loss of that “break”. I know I can’t leave…it’s exhausting having this information. We don’t make ends meet now so making them meet while split would be beyond impossible… I know this. When I’m depressed, I’m a terrible mother – short-tempered and prickly. When I’m depressed, I can’t write anything regardless of how well I know my characters, how chatty those characters are, or how solid my research is. When I’m depressed… I’m so tired… which makes me depressed.
I know, deep in my heart, that I’m speaking from my depressed exhaustion. I know that when the sun returns to warm my toes through the patio door I’ll feel less tired. But right now, at the end of this year… this wretched, wretched year… I’m too exhausted to give a damn. This year has been a series of heartbreaking events from public figures leaving this world, to watching my mother slip ever farther away into her dementia – leaving me without one of my very best friends, to losing family members who were as dear to me as my own mother and father. I’m tired of being an adult, of being responsible for anything, of being constant under duress.
In writing this, I’m contemplating the year that is leaving as well as the year that is upon us. My hope is that by releasing this “garbage” in my heart and mind that I can find a path that is less exhausting.
Because…
I’m tired.
I hope and pray that 2017 is kinder, gentler, and ever so much less exhausting. I wish each and every one of you who reads this a Happy and safe New Year.
Until next year... ♥~S
