As I sit here listening to my boys playing a rousing game of Boggle, the clicks of the mouse of my daughter and husband as they play PC games, and the music of for King and Country, I find myself reflecting on where I was last year at this time compared to where I am this year.
I’m not as tired.
I’m more disillusioned and disgusted, but I’m not as tired.
2017 was a strange year. Political unrest, idiocy, and deceit (yeah, I know, weird from the world of politics, right? *insert rolling eyes here*). In reading my words from last year, I’m struck by how little has changed or worsened under the new idiocrasy – I cannot say Democracy because that is a dying concept in today’s political climate. Last year, these were my words:
“I’m tired of politicians promising one thing then doing the opposite. I’m tired of the lack of justice in so many cases. I’m tired of the government as we know it. The bullshit is deep and the whole mess needs to be eliminated in one fell swoop that would require a complete reboot and reformation of the system. It’s broken beyond repair and it’s time to toss it for a new, properly working model.
I’m tired of fighting against a machine that no longer gives a damn about the people it’s supposed to be working for. I’m tired of teachers being forced to shove bullshit at their students and having to teach to test. I’m tired of a system that is bound and determined to make every student stupid and focuses on quantity rather than quality. I’m tired of trying to teach my children that quality is infinitely better than quantity and that that doing their absolute best at everything is more important than being another drone. I’m tired of getting “that look” when I firmly state that I’m not going to bend to Common Core, I’m not going to let my children take the easy route in life – that they must earn what they want and get, and I’m going to celebrate every single moment in which they put the bullshit system to shame. I’m tired of the “standard” that each student is compared to and the labels that are assigned to those who are not that standard. There are square pegs, round pegs, and triangle pegs… they don’t all fit in that damned round hole and no amount of hammering will make them fit… EVER!”
So very little of the change that was promised during the elections has come to fruition but the climate has gotten more divisive, more hateful, more deceitful, and more offensive. I still believe a total reboot is necessary… in fact I’m even more positive it’s the only thing that will redeem this country and rebuild this country. This portion of my utter exhaustion has only deepened.
I’m still pretty damned tired whenever I think of the state of our personal finances – kids are still expensive, the raise has not only been found but now more deductions will further demoralize our budget. I’m saddened by the further decline of my mother, whose dementia has worsened but who has also been diagnosed with the worst possible breast cancer in existence to date… a cancer that due to her age and mental state is untreatable.
However, not all has stagnated. There have been more highs and less lows. Granted a couple of the lows have shaken me to my core, the highs have been so overwhelmingly amazing that they stole my breath. I found a new support system that bolstered my old one and made the overall support much bigger and warmer. Over the last year, I finished writing not one, not two, not three, but four books and a short story. A feat that eluded me through the last of 2015 and all of 2016. Two of those books and the short story were published in the last half of 2017, another feat that had been elusive. The other two books will find their release in the first half of 2018 along with another one. These simple pleasures have lifted me up in way that I cannot begin to convey. Yes, in the process of publishing the two books of 2017, I found myself the victim of a heartbreaking betrayal and theft. It’s a sad moment to realize that you’ve misplaced your trust and respect. But in my heart, I know that the person who stole my story idea and sold it as their own and betrayed my trust will pay for their deeds. Karma is not always the swiftest to exact her payment but she always collects it.
I have also found a bit of grounding in listening to my universal guide – higher power, intuition, whatever form you choose to call it. I’ve become less chaotic, panicked, and harried and have made sure to take more time for me. I have spent some time learning tarot. It has made me slow down and just breathe when I need to most.Are things still completely out of balance and disconcerting? Yes, but at this point in the grand scheme of things, I have to believe that voice in my head that tell me there is a greater plan in the offing and patience is going to be the key. Therefore, I am learning patience.
I spent some time contemplating the nature of my biggest concerns leaving 2017 and entering 2018, consulted the tarot, and tried to open myself to the voice in my head (not the one that gives me stories of emotional upheaval but the one that guides me. LOL). I find myself stepping forward into the new year with an air of caution, curiosity, and hope… and I find that I’m in a better place mentally and physically.
Thankfully…
I’m not as tired.
